5 Random Ideas for Celebrating New Year’s Alone

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image4685664By: Brad Manock

 

#5 – Do chores

            This first one sounds odd but this is something that I would often do in high school and college on nights where I would be doing nothing and I knew that everyone else is partying. I usually assign myself a mind-numbing project such as paint a room or clean a floor of the house. This will make you feel good for being productive and it makes me forget about the probability that every girl I have ever liked is probably fucking other guys right at this very moment. Plus when you complete your project you feel good since your reminded that you will be better than those other people someday. Getting drunk may be cool now, but eventually hard work and determination will be the cool thing.

 

#4 – Record a video of yourself in multiple sets of cloths so it looks like there is a lot of people

            Whenever I have an idea for a comedy sketch to put on Youtube, I usually play any parts that are needed and I just change my clothes for each character. You could make a sarcastic video on your Ipod about how you are having a fun party with all of your friends. Then the video would cut to all of the different characters and they are all talking about how cool you are. But they are all you playing different characters. Tyler Perry that shit up! Maybe one character has a fake mustache, maybe one is a hippy, maybe one is a douchbag in a backwards hat, I don’t know, get as creative as you feel like. This will consume a lot of time before you realize just how depressing and stupid you are being (and that’s the point right?) On a depressingness scale of 1-10 this is a (holy shit just go to a bar like all of the other depressing people.)

 

3 – Watch a TV series on Netflix/Amazon

            This would be a good option because, when I watch a TV series online I just crank through it with no breaks. Back in the days of traditional television, when there was a cliffhanger at the end of the episode, you had to wait a week to find out what happened. But now? Nope just play right to the next one immediately. I lose all track of time when I’m watching a TV series. I look at my clock like “10P.M. already? Wasn’t it just 10P.M. yesterday?” I can usually watch a whole season of a show in a day and a half. Losing track of time would be a good thing on a lonely New Year’s since the next time you have an intelligent thought would be noon the following day and the depressingness is over.

 

#2 – Sign out of all internet accounts and hook up an old video game system

            Fuck yes! I have a Super Nintendo in my closet (those fuckers are indestructible) and I hook it up occasionally to remember those fond days of childhood where I didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought of me. Other old video game systems that can trigger that same level of nostalgia would be fine also. So why sign out of all internet accounts? Because the whole point of this is to make you forget that other people exist for a while. Also when these old systems were new, the internet was very unsophisticated and you had to log out anytime a parent was expecting a phone call. This factor amplifies that feeling of nostalgia. And when you talk to people later on who talk about what they did on New Year’s you can tell them “oh yeah, I beat Bowser and saved the princess.”

 

#1 – Drink by yourself and start cooking

            If you have alcohol available drink some until you feel a little wobbly but not so much that you can’t function. Having enough cognitive function to cook is important for executing this plan. And then make pancakes…bacon, eggs, cake, ravioli sandwiches. Holy shit everything tastes good when you have a little alcohol. This is probably the most likely option a person celebrating New Year’s alone would choose. I suppose this is less of a random idea and more of the default.

 

Ok there are some random ideas, now some of these ideas are stupid but hey, better than jerking off with your own tears of loneliness.

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