How Raisin Cookies are Used as a Torture Method

Raisin cookieBy: Brad Manock

            I am not a fan of raisin cookies. They look like chocolate chip cookies except they give you diarrhea and make you look closely at every chocolate chip cookie you ever eat to make sure you are not being tricked. If you like raisin cookies, this article will not make much sense to you, but if you don’t like raisin cookies then this article should be very relate-able.

No! So.. Many.. Raisins!

            If I was ever a prisoner of war and the enemy was trying to get information out of me, all they would have to do is lock me in a room where the only source of food is raisin cookies. I would last a couple hours, picking out all of the raisins, but I would crack rather quickly. Sure you could beat the shit out of me and I won’t talk, but those raisin cookies…that would do me in.

Raisin cookies have always been thought of as a safe food in my family. If someone buys a package of vanilla sandwich cookies, I will eat it all within two days. However if they buy raisin cookies, I will never touch it. My family is in the habit of buying ONLY raisin cookies so that “Brad won’t fucking eat all of my snacks before I can even touch it.” At least, I assume that is what they are thinking. Raisin cookies are a good way to make people stay away from your snacks. Hell, they could take a bunch of awesome cookies and put them in an empty raisin cookies package and I won’t even touch it.

Let’s Play A Game

Occasionally my grandmother would bake some chocolate chip cookies, they would come out of the oven and I would eat a bunch while they were still warm. I think my grandmother put a few spoons full of cocaine in every batch of cookies because they were addictive. Of course every once in a while I would shovel cookies in my mouth and notice something strange, why are these cookies so shitty? Grandma would then say “oh I made a batch of raisin cookies too they are mixed in with the chocolate chip.”

This cookie eating free-for-all has suddenly become a game of “Saw-like” proportions. There is now amazing chocolate chip cookies mixed along with the shitty raisin cookies and I have to be extremely careful of which cookies I eat. The cookies were rarely sorted out; the chocolate chip cookies were mixed with the raisin cookies at random. At that point I became about as careful as a solider clearing mines on a minefield. I would look extremely close at the pieces within each cookie, if the piece was smooth then I knew it was chocolate, if the piece was wrinkly I knew it was a raisin. This process significantly slowed down my cookie eating experience.

Diarrhea = Bad

So Brad why do you hate raisins so much? Well, long story short, I shat my pants while running a 5k after having ate a raisin bagel a couple hours before the race. I got about half way through the race and my stomach started making some odd noises, I walked for the last half of the race because I knew that a normal, running stride would allow some diarrhea to slip out. You ever have to shit really badly and you see your house and all of a sudden your body goes “close enough” and it becomes so much more difficult not to shit your pants? Well that moment happened when I saw the finish line of the 5k. I shat my pants just a little bit as I crossed the finish line and headed straight to the bathroom. I later found out that I was 1st place within my age group despite walking most of the race and shitting my pants.

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