By: Brad Manock
When I talk about parties, I usually am referring to the gatherings of drunken idiots that are a nightmare for awkward people like me. I am comfortable around small groups of people, three or four other people tops. Parties seem to be an unavoidable staple of life that every awkward person will have to suffer through at some point. I am not “anti-fun” though it might seem that way so far; I am anti “lots of strangers, most of which are complete assholes that will die without ever contributing anything meaningful to the human race.” That a little harsh? Nah. This article will walk through the process of a large party through my awkward perspective.
It Will Be Fun!
The night usually starts out at a friends house with three or four other friends. I enjoy small groups of friends far more then large parties. With small groups of friends I can be fairly certain that I enjoy the company of each individual. What I mean by that is, the more people there are, the higher the odds that there is going to be a complete asshole who you can’t stand. There has got to be some ratio or equation that can describe the number of assholes in the world, I would say maybe one out of five people in this world are complete assholes in my eyes. The only time I have ever went to large parties is when my smaller group of friends decides it is a good idea to go, I then usually get dragged along.
Lots Of Loud Annoying People, Fun Huh?
I have always been very socially awkward, but in recent years I have gotten pretty good with one-on-one conversations, I can get a good back and forth going. However I am still pretty terrible with group conversations. With group conversations I never really know enough about the subject matter, or the subject manner changes so quickly that I cannot really keep up. In group conversations what will often happen is that: I don’t say anything, someone notices and says “hey you’re being pretty quiet,” and now I am completely on the spot. All attention is on me at that point. What is the appropriate response to “hey you’re being pretty quiet?” Usually I want to respond “hey thanks, that doesn’t make it more awkward AT ALL.” Another reason I do not like group conversations, those are where the assholes usually are. Group conversations usually just devolve into bragging and “one-uping” each other when there are too many assholes present. Now these people that I think are assholes, surprisingly, seem to be decent human beings on the occasions that I talk to them one on one. They are humble and they have goals in life. It is just something about being around a lot of people that make people go into “asshole mode.”
Be Part Of The Group So We Can Talk Shit About You
Group conversations with a lot of assholes in it usually go something like this: “I have to get up for work at 6:00 in the morning,” “oh yeah well I have to get up for work at 4:30 in the morning,” “well I have to get up for work at 2:00 in the morning,” “I have to get up for work at midnight so I can have some time to go fishing before work, one time I caught a fish ‘this’ big,” “well one time I caught a fish ‘THIS’ big,” “That is nothing, I caught a fish ‘THIIIIIIS’ big just last week.”
So anyways, parties are made mostly of group conversations which I do not like. Another thing about parties is that there is always a lot of beer involved. I recently turned 21 years old, but I still cannot stand beer. As soon as I get to a party I am always offered a beer. I usually accept this beer, I don’t drink it though, I just hold onto it so that it looks like I am drinking. I think this is a smart approach for people to take when they do not like beer, but do not want to look like a complete pussy. If I reject that beer usually they will say “oh c’mon just fucking take it.” If I reject a second time then, in their eyes, I am on the same level as an 80 year old nun who has never misbehaved in their life. It is much less trouble to just accept the beer and be done with it. Another reason to hold onto the beer is that I do not have to go through that awkward situation again for the rest of the night. If someone is at a party, and they have no beer in their hands, they will quickly be offered another beer.
I usually go into parties hopeful “maybe this one won’t be so bad” of course it never works out that way. I usually try to get out of parties as soon as possible depending on my level of “uncomfortable” and “awkward” I am feeling at that particular party. Or if I can find another person wandering around that I can have a one-on-one conversation with I will stay a bit longer. But that is the end of the article, congrats on reading it all, want a beer?