What Happens When a Straight Man Speaks with a Lisp?

By: Brad Manock

          group  I have had a little bit of a lisp for my entire life. A lisp is when someone attempts to create the “s” sound and a “th” comes out instead. My lisp is caused by crooked teeth on my bottom row right where my tongue meets the teeth when making the “s” sound, letting a little air through. Now this should be a very insignificant thing, but because we humans are such social creatures, a little inconsistency with speaking can cause a lot of damage to a person’s life. Especially since lisps are considered to be a trait exclusive to homosexuals. In this article I will discuss some of the frustrations involved with having a lisp.

 

“I Didn’t Even Notice It”

            Some people do notice my lisp and some people do not. When I try to make an “s” sound it is 3/4 correct but that 1/4 that is a “th” apparently shines above all else. My family never noticed that I had a lisp until I brought up the subject of possibly getting my teeth straightened. Of course “straightened” in this context would have a double meaning since it would be getting less crooked and making it sound like I actually do like women.

            Usually the people who notice it immediately are rednecks who seem to be eager to establish themselves as better than anyone else who might be present. If I say anything with an “s” sound in it in the presence of one of these rednecks, they will repeat the phrase back to me in a much exaggerated way by replacing all of the “s” sounds with “th” sounds.

 

“Say Mississippi!”

            There was one particular situation that made it clear to me how little respect I was receiving because of this lisp. There was one Fourth of July weekend where several friends and I were at a large event for fireworks. I saw a cute girl and at that point I was making a whole-hearted effort to “come out of my shell” as everyone told me I needed to do. This girl and I locked eyes and I nervously said “hi, what’s up.” She said “oh my gosh, say Mississippi!” At this point I did not quite catch on to what was happening, so I said “Mississippi.” She said “you have a lisp, stay there I have to show my friends.” She then walked away to go get her group of friends to show them this circus freak of a person that she had stumbled upon. I walked away assuming that I would not get a phone number or anything else out of that situation, the lisp had proven to be an instant respect-killer when meeting new people.

 

“Are You Sure You’re Not Gay?”

            As I mentioned earlier in this post, my lisp is caused by a twisted tooth where my tongue meets my teeth to make the “s” sound. This is not a “gay” lisp. However when I try to explain to people about my teeth situation, they will say something like “tell me, how many cocks do you have to suck before it permanently alters your teeth?” If I am having a one-on-one conversation they will be respectful of my situation, but whenever there is a group of people some redneck always tries to establish themselves as the Alpha by putting down the guy with the lisp.

            I am straight, however having a lisp makes it very difficult to get a girlfriend, or any respect from females what so ever. This is why the “lisp=gay” stereotype has been so solidly established in our culture. Girls say a lot of odd things but “I want to fuck the guy with the lisp” is not one of those things. Having a lisp and not having a girlfriend has always been perceived as “proof” that I am gay. That would be like applying for jobs every day and still being perceived as “lazy” for not having a job.

 

How I Deal With the Lisp

            If you are reading this and you do not have a lisp, you do not know what it is like, just imagine the word “faggot” printed on your forehead in bold purple letters. This was women know to avoid you and everyone else knows to make fun of you immediately. When I am talking I will usually try to think a few words ahead to choose words without “s” sounds so that I can get the meaning out of the communication without having to use “s” sounds more than necessary.

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