By: Brad Manock
Growing up, I was a little bit on the heavier side (fat). I didn’t exercise very much and I ate anything that tasted good and nothing that didn’t. My grandmother was a professional cake decorator. She would bake cakes all the time for: birthdays, weddings, whatever event that needed a cake. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house growing up. My grandma is a very nice person, she never said “hey if I’m baking cakes, that shit isn’t for you ok?” In this article I will be discussing some of my experiences of being surrounded by cake that I wasn’t allowed to eat.
Can I Eat This?
Usually when my grandma would bake cakes, she would make something for me as well. Perhaps this was a tactic to get me away from the important cakes but whenever I would smell cake being baked in the kitchen I would go out there and there would be something small for me to eat. I would always go and ask what was for me. She never baked just a little bit, it would be tons of sugary treats all day long, I would often try to sneak a little something with the expectation that nobody would notice. I thought this was a pretty cool thing while growing up.
The Horror Begins
As in any business, my grandma would hold herself to a standard of quality that she would not go below. Occasionally there would be cakes that did not quite turn out right. So what do you do when you have un-usable cake, and there is a fat grandson in the house? Huh? Huhhh? Throw it in the garbage? NO!
I would occasionally see my grandma throwing cakes into the garbage. Up to that point in my life that had been just about the most shocking thing that I had seen. I told my grandma “why are you throwing it in the garbage, give it to me next time.” She said that it would be very bad for me to eat a whole cake like that, I took that as a challenge. After that I couldn’t wait for my opportunity to eat a whole cake. I kept a careful eye on the kitchen, waiting for my opportunity to strike. It was like a WAY less healthy version of hunting. Instead of waiting for an animal to kill, I was waiting for an unwanted cake to appear.
Eventually my opportunity appeared, my grandma had screwed up a cake and was about to throw it into the garbage. I ran into the kitchen (hell yes I’ll run for cake) and I told my grandma to freeze and give me the cake. She threw it into the garbage anyways, looking me in the eye as she did it. NO! I screamed in my own mind. I walked over to the garbage can, I could feel a little bit of heat coming off of the fresh cake yet. So when my grandma wasn’t looking I broke off a large chunk of that cake which was laying in the garbage. I made sure the piece I had didn’t touch any other garbage. My grandma must not have been looking because, even though I was fat and loved sugar, she didn’t expect me to actually eat cake from the garbage. Hell yes I’ll eat cake from the garbage. I may be in much better shape now but cake is still my favorite.